I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
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Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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