I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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