birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize