I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
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I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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