I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
