im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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