so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
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You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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