your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You're earring is so big in my mouth
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I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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