Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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