I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
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it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
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Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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