ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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