Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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