Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
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I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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