Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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