Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
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Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
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People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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