Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
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I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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