I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
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There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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