Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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