Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
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