umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
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There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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