Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize