yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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