It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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