I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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