Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
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I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You're a waste of cheezeits
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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