normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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