I haven't been this sober since birth.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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