im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
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My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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