One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
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He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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