I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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