I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
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The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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