I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
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Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
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I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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