A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
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He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
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Slow dancing with the chandelier.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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