This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
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She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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