I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
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I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
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We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize