i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
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we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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