dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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