i may or may not be watching the land before time
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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