He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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