I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
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You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Your shirt... Was in my pants
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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