I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
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Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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