Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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