i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
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I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
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I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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