I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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