With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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