I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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