he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
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