god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
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Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So vagazzling was a success
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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