Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
