Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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