I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
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I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
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How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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